


You’re the only one I call when I’m feeling reckless

by Sass_mistress



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A lot of introspection, Coming Out, Everybody is a little homo, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kags is real lonely, Kags is real sad, Kags just wants a friend and a lover and Hinata might be both of those things and some more, M/M, Oikawa might make an appearance, Slow Burn, Suga is a darling, Suicide Hotline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:42:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27131314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sass_mistress/pseuds/Sass_mistress
Summary: Kageyama is lonely. And oblivious. But mostly lonely. A gay ass volleyball team, a suicide hotline operator, and a certain roommate are there to help.
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 16
Kudos: 36





	1. Holding On

**Author's Note:**

> I just really wanted to write about Kageyama being sad and lonely till he meets Hinata.  
> Also, just so y'all know, the entire dorm/residence hall situation is based on my own dorm.

“You know, I feel really lonely” 

“ _ Would it be overkill to say that you’re not alone in that feeling _ ”

He smiled to himself, rolling over. “Maybe, but I’m guessing you’re supposed to say that kind of stuff” 

“ _ Why do you feel lonely? _ ” The operator on the other end asked

How would he go about answering that question? If he reached back into the depths of his memories, he never really had a friend, much less a lover. He didn’t blame anyone. He was too particular as a kid, too mean as a teenager, and too rigid now that he was an adult. Sometime in the early teens, he justified his loneliness as being cool. He didn’t care, he was ice-cool. Except the coolness wore off and now he just felt like solid ice, waiting to feel the warmth of red hot blood in his veins. He wanted friends, who didn’t? But more than that he wanted a partner, not just romantically. Though the flip in his stomach at anyone displaying even the slightest PDA would say otherwise. But he wanted someone who would stay. He wanted a perfect spiker if he was to express himself in terms of volleyball, someone who would spike all the balls he tossed. But also somebody who would pat him on the back and tell him he did well. He’d convinced himself that he didn’t need it. He’d become good enough to subsist on his talent alone. He’d show them but he didn’t even know who that them was.

So he sighs, “I don’t know. I really don’t. I don’t have any friends. It’s my first week of college. My new roommate is coming tomorrow and he probably has all these stories of his high school and all that he’s done. Everyone does. But I never had any friends. I have no stories. Everytime I open my mouth, something bad happens” 

“ _ Are you scared that you’d make none in college? _ ”

He didn’t need to say anything. 

“ _ Listen to me, you’ve got four years ahead of you. You made it this far, passed your exams, won matches for your high school, you did it all without friends. You need strength to get this far and you have it. Why don’t you use that strength towards finding a solution for your loneliness. Think of it like volleyball, you gotta toss just perfect for your spiker to reach. Why don’t you reach out just enough for someone to hold on _ ”

That night as he stared across the room, at the empty bed waiting to be occupied the next day by someone who’d probably be so much different than him, he thought of those words. His voice played out again and again. He wanted that voice to guide him forever. He didn’t even know who it was but every Monday and Wednesday he’d get to listen to that voice, or rather that voice listened to him. It felt pathetic knowing that he needed to seek out a stranger to vent his life’s frustrations but there must be others. That’s why this service existed, right? For people like him who couldn’t just seek comfort in familiar faces, so they needed a stranger’s voice to go on in life. And those words had given him just that, a way forward. He was right, Kageyama was many things, sad, pathetic, lonely, sad again, but he wasn’t a quitter and he certainly wasn’t a loser and he didn’t plan on becoming one now. He wouldn’t live with this deep pit of loneliness anymore. This starts tomorrow, or rather, today, he thought, looking at his phone, taunting him with empty notifications and a reminder that it was too late to be awake. He closed his eyes and all there was were the words, “ _ Why don’t you reach out just enough for someone to hold on.” _

The fear of reaching out made him blank out soon enough. 

“ _ Oh man, the team’s ace is your friend? That is so cool, noya-san. You are so cool. Did you always have that blond streak? That’s a stupid question, god it’s cool. Blond would never suit me. Did I tell you how cool it is that you’re my height and still in the volleyball team. So cool. _ ” 

Kageyama wanted to scream. Who in their actual mind was so loud this early. Why were they in his room and why did he use the word cool so many fucking times. He was about to bark when last night’s words came back, ‘ _ Why don’t you reach out just enough for someone to hold on’.  _ He breathed, one breath, two breath, three and- “ _ Yoooo Kageyamaaaaa” _ . That same voice shouted as Kageyama sat up and stared. The human version of the annoying orange looked back and in tow was the famed Noya with the blond streak. He was too sleepy to have even registered all the volleyball talk. He was too busy counting the number of cools had been used. 

“H-Hi.” He mentally slapped himself. Fucking idiot. ‘Yep, that’s me. Kageyama. Tobio but you can call me Kagyama. That’s fine, no one calls me Tobio.” He said, officially spitting out his first sentence to the man he’d share his personal space for a whole damn year with.   
“ _ Yoooo, you’re on the list for the volleyball try-outs? Suga was pretty excited for you. Finally got another setter he can rant to about his setter woes. Of which they are none because we are pretty great, even if I do say so myself. Actually because I say so myself.”  _ This time it was Mr. Blond Streak speaking. Two faces looked up at him, blond streak and annoying orange stared up at him waiting for him to say something. “Hi” He said and god why did he even wake up. Why? “I mean really nice meeting you” He said jumping off the bed. “And you must be Hinata? My roommate?” He asked, “ _ Yep, and maybe your volleyball partner. It’s cool you’re a setter. I’m a spiker. I know what you’re thinking, oooh this guy’s short. And he’s a spiker. You ever heard of the tiny giant? That'll be me one day. Right?”  _ He blabbered as Noya san, or blond streak as he remembered, high-fived him.  _ “You wanna help me with the boxes?”  _ Hinata asked and the words were back again, “ _ Why don’t you reach out just enough for someone to hold on.” _ He nodded, trying to bring out a smile but the odd expression on the two faces told him he wasn’t succeeding so he just shook it off.

That first day he learned more than he had ever learned about anyone else in his life. He learned how much Hinata loved volleyball, even if he didn’t quite believe in his skills. He learned how annoying his little sister was, how he really didn’t like the blue of his sheets, that he met Noya or Nishinoya downstairs at the reception of their dorm and how Hinata really really liked a good barbecue. “ _ Have I been talking for long? I don’t think I have. Anyway, what do you like Kageyama?”  _ He asked and like the idiot he was, he muttered, “Milk. I really like milk.” God, give him freedom from this painful existence. Why couldn’t he behave normally. He expected the same confusion he had grown accustomed to at his own weirdness but there was none. Just crinkled eyes staring back, “ _ Bakageyama. That’s your name from now on. I’m changing your contact name in my phone to that.”  _

He couldn’t wait for Wednesday to come.

_ “See? I told you, you can do anything you put your head to. Hey, guess what I’m eating?” _

“Are you even allowed to eat on the job?” He asked and all he heard was a laugh. He wondered if he’d be able to pick out that laugh if he ever heard it. 

_ “Of course I am, Baka.” _

He shook his head.  _ Baka _ , was he really that big of an idiot, he thought before launching into stories about the new human tangerine who called him by the same name.

Thursday, August 23rd. He recorded the date in his diary.Because today he felt something he didn’t think he would ever get to feel. He felt this rush so unique to his system that it caused a crack in the very ice he had used to justify being alone. Someone had spiked his toss. The same toss that benched him , the one that had him waking up in sweats, the one where he looked back and there was a chasm between him and his team. This time, it had been the opposite. Whatever distance he felt from his new team, from his extremely energetic roommate, from anyone ever in his short volleyball career, had been bridged by that toss. Hinata had spiked it. Against all odds, his small stature, the tall blockers, the anxiety of trying out in college volleyball for the first time, he had spiked it. 

It was 12 PM when he heard the cracks. He liked to think he had good stamina but his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest. That was his roommate, his first ‘friend’ here. How was this real? “ _ AYYYYYYY, DID EVERYBODY SEE THAT? WHAT THE ACTUAL LIVING HELL!”  _ He looked back and it was the bald headed guy, Tanaka, was it? He suppressed the hint of smile on his face as somebody propped up his hand to high five it. It was Nishinoya. He bowed and the captain, Daichi as he had introduced himself, ruffled his hair. “ _ That was real nice Kageyama. You too Hinata.”  _ Was this what validation felt like? Is that why people craved it so much?

This warmth spread in his chest and he didn’t know what to do with it. Cold, he knew. This sense of comfort, he didn’t know how to manage it. He looked around and all he saw were smiles. No one was frowning at him, no one was snickering and he wasn’t being benched for his ruthlessness. His eyes kept drifting between his to-be teammates and he wanted to know these people. Then his eyes laid on the little ball of tangerine and- “ _ Told you I’m great, I’ll be the little giant one day.” _ -and he wanted them to know him too, especially him, “Hey annoying orange, you wanna practice that spike?” He asked, his voice grumpy as ever, following the advice he had been given. “ _ Why don’t you reach out just enough for someone to hold on”.  _


	2. Doing myself justice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to worse times and the beginning of a better time

The first time Kageyama ever called that number, he was shaking. The house was steeped in its midnight quiet but nothing felt silent about his room. His head was so loud. It was so fast, spinning out of control. He felt like he was drowning, under the ocean that was school, volleyball, friends or the lack thereof, and maybe his own expectations. There was so much he wanted to do and he couldn’t see past the here and now. His eyes moistened up and there was a lump in his throat. He looked down at the card the counselor had handed him and with shaking hands he dialed the only number he felt might save him. 

He could feel the tightness in his chest, the slickness on his face from the tears, and the snot, yet the other line was a cheesy 80s song. It made him want to throw his phone across the room. But his parents wouldn’t buy him a new one, so the rational side of Kageyama held on till there was static on the other end and then a voice, an older woman, came on,

“ _ Crisis line, how can I help you? _ ”

He was voiceless. What do you say to someone who knows you’re about to end it all? How do you tell a stranger that you can’t keep going on?

He hadn’t realized that his thoughts has spilled out his lips

_ “Well, saying that is a good start, sweetheart. I’m here to help. What happened?” _

“I-I-I-I….I-I g-g-g-got benchedfrommygametoday” He blurted, before launching into loud sobs. This wasn’t him. He was quiet, calm, composed. He wasn’t a crying blubbering mess. 

_ “What game do you play, love?” _

“Volleyball. And-and I’m a really bad team player and a really bad person and no one wants me around.” He sniffled, his voice choked up. 

_ “Did you have a fight with a friend?” _

“I don’t have friends who I can fight with. I just-I just want one friend, just one who will listen to me”

There was a pause. Say it, he thought. Fucking say it. Say that I’m pathetic. What fifteen year old doesn’t have friends.

_ “A lot of people don’t. Friends are hard to make. But the good thing is they come by in all phases of your life. I can tell you that because I’m 45 and when I was getting married, I realized I had no maid-of-honour to stand by me at my wedding. Now? Now I have a group and we meet every Friday. You will one day too.” _

He was quiet and he felt a sob get stuck in his throat. There was silence till the sob decided to make a guest appearance and once it started, it didn’t stop. 

_ “Hey sweetheart, hey. Deep breaths, you said you were 15 right? Everything you’re going through right now is real, that pain, that loneliness. All of it. But if you give up now, you don’t give yourself the chance to make all of that go away. Listen, love, you said you just wanted a friend who’d listen to you. And I’m listening. And if you call tomorrow, there’s somebody else who’ll listen. And I don’t know where technology is going but if you call 10 ten years later, somebody will still listen. And you know why? Because you matter, people like you matter to us, to the world. You make the world a better place. And you don’t sound like one for cheesy one liners but I know I’m not wrong when I say you’re a diamond in the rough. If you give in to that feeling, you’re not doing yourself justice. You’ve worked so hard to be you and someday someone will see that, not just one person but many and they’ll stick by and love you. And when that day comes, I want you to think of today, of this date and this time and remember that it was worth it in the end. When you put this phone down, I want you to drink water, take 3 deep breaths and think of what gives you the most comfort and I want you to go do that thing tomorrow, whether it’s eating something or reading a book or whatever it is. Do yourself justice sweetie.” _

He fell asleep to the thought of playing volleyball that night. 

He often thought of it. That call. But he had never felt like her words would come true. Looking to the opposite side of the room, three year later, seeing Hinata’s orange hair poking out of his blue blanket, he thought maybe it could be true. He looked up at the false ceiling and felt contentment bubbling in his chest. This is what the satisfaction of a good day felt like. 

The day had been spent on try-outs in front of the coach. He had never doubted his abilities, however,it truly felt like he was alive when those abilities were being complimented by someone as extraordinary as Hinata. There was magic in that gym, a magic that wasn’t just the thrill of volleyball. He felt some form of happiness that he couldn’t yet name but was content with it’s mystery. He held his palm up and looked at it. This wasn’t the ordinary joy of a perfect toss, it was the exhilaration of a high-five. It felt like  _ doing justice to himself _

_ “We got a genius setter amongst us everybody!”  _ It was Suga, sipping on a juice box as he hollered. Genius. Not egotistic, genius.  _ “Right, I’m feeling insecure Kageyama. You sure you’re not here to just flex.”  _

He went red, as his head shot up, stammering “N-not at all, Sugawara-san”

“ _ First of all, it’s Suga to you, I hate feeling old. And secondly…”  _ He said, walking over to Kageyama and ruffling his hair, his face breaking out into a soft smile. “ _ It was a joke.”  _

_ “Bakageyama doesn’t really know what those are” _ Hinata piped up.  _ “I called him the milkman today and he said he doesn’t really deliver milk, just really really really likes it”.  _

How could he ever tell them that no one had ever joked around him, really.

_ “You were amazing Kageyama. I don’t think I could have taken you on. Just ignore the others and their jokes. Glad to have you on the team”  _ He looked up and this time it was Asahi. He had meant to say hi to him or say anything really, but he had been apprehensive. That apprehension left him as he looked up at yet another face softly smiling at him. 

“Thank you” He bowed. 

_ “What’d I tell you, stop being so goddamn formal.”  _ It was Suga again, still with his juice box.  _ “I’ll treat you to curry buns sometime. Setters gotta stick together yeah? We are single-handedly carrying y’alls asses.”  _ He said the last part louder and there were more shouts of protest. 

_ Do yourself justice sweetie.  _

Those words came back and he nodded. ‘I’d love that”

Suga smiled that same soft smile and Kageyama went to get a mop to start cleaning. 

  
“ _ Hey, I’m going to get some food. Join me? I hate eating alone. I’ll treat you to some milk and if you’re good, I’ll make it strawberry milk”  _ Hinata teased. He rolled his eyes, “If anything, you owe me that much after all the snoring last night” He said as Hinata protested, jumping up and down and Kageyama could barely hold back his laughter, his first genuine laugh. Well, not the first, but one that had arrived after a long time. He looked at him and felt those words from long ago.  _ I’m doing myself justice. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of y'all are interested, please let me know! This chapter comes from a very personal place, so it's quite close to my heart  
> I also take fic request


	3. Easy Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama didn't notice when the passage of time started feeling easy, bearable, maybe even enjoyable. And now that he has taken notice, he knows the reason why.

The first time  _ he  _ had picked up the phone was almost a year ago. Kageyma could barely squeeze out a word. He heard the crunch of a potato chip, or could it be corn-or, fuck this, it’s not important. He didn’t even wait for the customary ‘ _ Crisis line, how may I help you.’,  _ before choking out,

“I just want the days to pass easy.” 

Kageyama’s voice was thick and his heart heavy as a sob forced its way out. He had just graduated and all across on his phone were reminders of his failure. No one wanted him around them. His life would go to waste because he would never be wanted by anyone. Every single inch of his social media feed was a reminder that everyone had someone. Yet, here he was eating beef ramen seasoned by the salt of his tears. His mind was going around in circles, when a soft voice asked,

_ “Why are the days so hard?” _

Where should he begin?

“Nevermi-” 

_ “Don’t. Don’t put the phone down. Tell me everything. No skipping” _

So he did. He hated self pity but he hated keeping this all to himself, balling it up, making it bigger and bigger till it was close to bursting. 

That night when he finally put the phone down, he broke into tears, ones that felt like they were clawing their way out of his chest. When he finally stopped, he closed his eyes and went numb.

Almost a year's worth of conversations with  _ him _ later, when he finally called today, his heart skipped a beat. 

_ “Crisis line, how may I help?”  _ A mischievous voice asked. 

“I woke up today, it’s a Monday, so no volleyball practice and-and I looked at the date and I-I couldn’t-I-I, I feel so light, so-so-like-I,” he calmed himself down before speaking again, “like the days pass easily. Like a whole month passed and-and that knot is gone. I don’t know, it’s-it’s not a knot anymore. It’s this intangible sense of excitement. I want to wake up. I want to feel the sun on my face. I-I have waited for this.” Despite being the center of attention of their communication, he still talked less than the operator, so the words trickling out felt like an occasion to be celebrated. And he may try to keep his words scarce, but he never held back. 

_ “Tell me everything. What happened?” _

He asked that same question. Except instead of finding tears, he only found an unbearable lightness. 

“I don’t-I don’t even know. I wake up looking to my side and I know the day is going to be great. I have this smile in my heart the entire day because he does these stupid things. Like-I was upset one day so I come back, all angry, red like a tomato and he goes,  _ wait here, I’ll be back _ . And I’m seething you know, that-that anger always drives people away. And yet, he just-he goes out and comes back with enough strawberry milk to cram our entire fridge. God, he’s stupid. But that’s not even it, when I feel like I’m useless and can’t do anything, he’ll pull me out of bed. And-and he lets me win our races that day. Him and his races, everything’s a competition. I used to think that way too, you know. Everything is a win or a loss but it feels nice seeing somebody else win too.”

There was nothing but faint breaths on the other end, which if Kageyama had listened carefully, were quickening. But he didn’t want to stop. 

“And-when I mess up, when the toss isn’t perfect, or something goes wrong, he’ll ruffle my hair and say  _ nice toss  _ and it’s fine, he’ll hit it either way. I know he will. And I’ll pretend like I’m mad at him, but even he knows. 

I barely know him, actually scratch that. I do know him, I know so much in the few months after I met him and maybe that’s why it feels like I’ve known him my entire life. He knows my favorite cereal, my favorite hoodie, my favorite candle, he even bought me these special nail clippers because he knows my fingernail routine. And usually I would have pushed him away, but he clung on and he’s everywhere, in my head, my mind, my room.”

He paused and once again, no words were spoken on the other side. 

“Do you think I like him”

He swears he hears a sniffle on the other end but the phone cuts abruptly and he is surprised, but content with that. 

After all,  _ the day didn’t feel hard _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed it! The next chapter might change POV!   
> If any of y'all have any fic requests, I'll also try and work on those! So drop 'em down below!  
> Alsoo, big thanks to Juniper Wren for making sure that this whole thing isn't riddled with typos!


	4. Bittersweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata can introspect and Kenma is capable of hugging without cringing.

Something was wrong. Hinata Shouyou was in the room, yet, it was quiet. Hinata’s face told Kenma that the most attentive person he knew, the only one who actually listened to Kenma talking about his kill streak on whatever first-person shooter he was playing, was zoned out. He shot Kuroo a look, who nodded before getting up and leaving.

Kenma shuffled closer, tapping on his thigh till Hinata was looking at him. He sucked at emotions, but he could tell that for once, the twinkle in Hinata’s eyes were tears. He pulled him into a hug even if his head was clouded by concern for the smaller boy. 

Hinata had listened to him enough times, all those angry rants about Kuroo and how he felt trapped sometimes and how maybe volleyball really wasn’t for him. For god’s sake Hinata had even listened to Kenma’s 3 AM ‘maybe I should be a twitch streamer’ rant. But he’d never imagined Hinata ever needing someone too. He felt so independent, so solid, and stable. 

“ _ Was it someone on the crisis line? Did-did something someone said get stuck in your head?”  _ He asked.

Hinata was quiet. He had joined the suicide hotline as soon as he had turned eighteen. He wasn’t somebody who thought of things very deeply, he liked dealing with life’s oddities as they came at him. It’s how he played, hit the ball when he sees it, the instincts of a spiker. 

But there are things that’ll always be seared into the brain, like the sight of his mother, through a crack in the door, crying with his father holding her after an old friend of hers had committed suicide. 

Suicide, what a word. He had said it aloud in the bathroom and it felt  _ bitter  _ in his mouth. He wanted to spit out and flush it down so no one would ever think it. But things didn’t work that way and people wanted to commit suicide. That night as he slept, cuddled with Natsu, he thought about how he never wanted anyone to suffer so badly that they couldn’t go on to uncover all the great things life held. He’d do something for those who thought about that ugly word often. He promised himself that much.

Hinata was nothing if not resolute and so, as soon as he was legally able to offer his aid, he volunteered to be an operator at the hotline. After weeks of training, on his first proper day at the hotline, a fresh out of high school Hinata with a whole gap year ahead of him, picked up his first phone call at midnight, and the man, or rather the boy, as he sounded was already deeming Hinata’s help useless. That’s when he had interjected.

_ “Don’t. Don’t put the phone down. Tell me everything. No skipping” _

It should have come from a sense of selflessness, but it didn’t. It was a purely selfish desire, even if that desire was altruistic in nature.

After that, the first few times he happened to get  _ his _ call were coincidence till he settled on a schedule that he knew suited the other boy, and made sure to do everything in his control for the call to be directed to him. So in the course of a year, of course, he had wondered about him. He had thought about whether he was cute, or whether his sadness jumped out when you looked at him, or whether there was anyone who could hug him and tell him he would be fine, that he was loved and wanted. He wondered if this boy really had no one. Hinata, being, well himself, had never found a shortage of friends. No matter how quiet, how weird, how different they were, he had always managed to collect friends wherever he went. He filled in all the nooks and crannies in a friendship that would otherwise break it. So, he couldn’t imagine why this boy had no friends. He didn’t judge him for, he just couldn’t fathom why. He had wondered whether he would become friends with him, whether that intangible power bigger than him would ever let the two bump into each other. And even if they did, would he recognize him, would he be able to pick out that voice if he heard it, in a supermarket or a coffee shop or maybe in his own neighborhood. Would chance ever give him that offer?

He had thought about all of that. But never about what he would do if he did ever meet him. And now chance was making an offer that he couldn’t refuse, but one that he had no idea what to do about. Who really would?

“There is someone. On the hotline. He calls every day, Mondays and Wednesdays, 12:06, on the dot. And he is always so sad, or should I say he was. I didn’t know what changed but then one day he called and he talked about-about  _ affection _ and love and all those emotions they talk about in those films that Kuroo watches by himself.” Hinata closed his eyes, 

_ “That doesn’t sound bad. So why are you so upset” _

“Because everything he described was something that I had done for Kageyama.. He described these specific things about me that even  _ you _ wouldn’t know, Kenma and I feel-I don’t know. You know I don’t think about those things but I always thought about this boy, always. Even if I went out for groceries, or came to see you here in Tokyo, I always thought if he was on the bus ride, or if he was the one bagging my groceries. And I know it’s him, it’s so clearly Kageyama. It’s the person I’m waking up and sleeping in the same room as and I-” he sighed.

“For the first time, I don’t really know what I’m feeling. It feels bittersweet. Like really really dark chocolate, the kind that makes you wrinkle your nose with maybe a spoonful of sugar” He explained

“ _ Kageyama is the repeat caller? And you're 100% sure?” _

Hinata nodded and Kenma looked at him. What could he even say? He bit his lip before opening his arms again and just hugged him. Sometimes words weren’t needed. Hinata held onto the comfort of the hug, his face buried in the crook of Kenma’s shoulder. He stayed quiet for a minute before regaining the classic Hinata excitement.

“Kenma Kozume is hugging me. I feel special. Maybe I should use it to make Kuroo jealous?” He smiled and Kenma rolled his eyes, even as he heaved a sigh of relief. He never wanted to see Hinata with tears in his eyes again. It felt like the complicated English word he had heard somewhere,  _ juxtaposition. _ Tears and Hinata were juxtaposed, they simply didn’t fit.

_ ‘If you tell him that I hugged you twice in one day, I will actually kill you” _

“Your secret’s safe.”

_ “I heard some talks of hugging which I’ll choose to ignore but before anymore can be initiated, I got you some tea to keep your hands busy, and off my manz. Don’t worry it’s your favorite, lemon-mint. And, some mountain dew for our resident gamer.”  _ Kuroo said, walking in after the slightest of knocks. 

Hinata shook his head accepting the tea, smiling even if his head swam in the warmth of the lemony scent and the very feeling he had labeled as  _ bittersweet.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what y'all thought of this chapter!


	5. Affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama needs help. Luckily there's someone who can help.

_ “Are you forgetting me because of your roommate, baka?”  _

‘No, of course not. I thought you were the one who was supposed to be emotionally stable” 

_ “Emotionally stable? Never heard of him” _ There was something off about his voice, but then he laughed and Kageyama’s heart flipped and he forgot about whatever it was that felt different. He focused on the dreaded flip. The one that felt like fondness, like warm smiles and comforting voices and orange hair peeking out of blue blankets. 

_ “So this roommate, I’m guessing he makes himself scarce on Mondays and Wednesdays.” _

“He works. Mondays and Wednesdays, late-night shifts, conveniently enough. Either way, he's gone for a bit. You know, I really wonder where he gets all his energy from. You should see him on the court. Jumps like he’ll never really land!” 

_ “Is that affection I hear?” _

“Nooo, I’m just-just wondering.”

_ “Wondering about what?” _

“How life lined up. A little. I don’t want to sink into this feeling. I don’t know when the rug will be pulled out from underneath me, but-but maybe-maybe it won’t. It’s a different kind of drowning. In fact, it isn’t like drowning at all. It’s like somebody’s wrapped me up in the coziest blanket of all time.”

_ “I’m really glad to hear that. Most of these calls end in minutes and it leaves me wondering, what happened? Did my words get through? Did they believe me? So, it’s like closure, knowing that somebody finally felt what I had promised them all along.” _

He smiled, not one of his scary, constipated, and forced smiles. This one was involuntary, it was muscle memory. He wondered what had happened in  _ his  _ life that day. He didn’t sound the same, a little off-color but Kageyama didn’t have the courage to ask either.

“Thank you.”

_ “You are very welcome.” _

It wasn’t one of their long-drawn-out talks. It ended quickly and Kageyama wished  _ he _ had talked more. But he accepted whatever he was given.

He looked across the room, at the empty bed, the blanket hanging half off it. His eyes flitted to the desk, strewn with Hinata’s things and he felt that flip again. The room was still quiet, but instead of the loudness of his own thoughts, all he could hear was Hinata’s laugh bounding against the walls. God, what was this? If Hinata was here, he’d say that all that milk finally caught up to his digestive system. The smile was back on his face and unbeknownst to him, was accompanied by a rosy blush. Maybe it was  _ affection _ , after all. 

________________________

Hinata hadn’t been wrong. Kageyama really was an idiot. He had outdone his own idiocy. Why else would he be here, standing outside Oikawa Tooru’s apartment? For someone who had lugged around his pride all his life, he sure was quick in asking for advice from someone who had slapped him. No, that was wrong, almost slapped him. But he had no one else to ask. He suspected Suga would have loved to help, both for Kageyama’s sake as well as for the gossip. The only thing stopping him being that Suga was too new in his life. Oikawa, with his snide remarks and all his haughtiness, was familiar. Besides, Oikawa had offered to be his mentor. Kageyama hadn’t accepted, of course, he hadn’t, however  _ this _ , he had to know about. Oikawa was the only one he knew who was in this situation. 

After all, he was only taking Oikawa up on his offer from his graduation 

_ “Tobio-chan, Aaah, I’m sure you would miss me Tobio. After all, who wouldn’t? You know, you’re really annoying. And I certainly don’t think you match up to me. Which is whyyyy, I’m offering to be your mentor, guidance counselor, if you will.”  _ He said, putting an arm around a disgruntled and unwilling Kageyma who instantly shook him off.

_ “A guidance counselor for your life.”  _ He joked, winking at him as Iwaizumi apologized on his behalf. “ _ Take care Kageyama. And I wasn’t joking when I said that you can come to me for advice, king of the court~.”  _

Kageyama wanted to snatch his eyes out or something equally gruesome but instead, he accepted Iwaizumi’s apology. 

Nonetheless, when he really needed it, he came to them, knocking on the door of apartment 22, like an idiot. 

_ “Can you open the door, Iwa-chan? I am gelling my hair. And I will die before letting someone see it unstyled.”  _

_ “What does it matter? You look like an idiot either way.”  _ A monotone voice replied back to Oikawa before its owner opened the door.

_ “Kageyama, welcome. Oikawa’s just-uhh busy. Come in, have a seat.” _

He walked in, feeling his nerves set in. Why was he here? What was he doing? Why did he get himself in these situations?   
_ “Would you like something to eat or drink?” _

“Water should be fine.” He smiled, sitting down just as Oikawa sauntered in.    
_ “Tobio-Chan, did you finally realize that you do need me to be your guidance counselor?” _

He grit his teeth. He wasn’t going to throw a tantrum. No. He remembered why he was here.  _ Was it affection? _ He had to know

“Um, I do need your advice. And, um-I apologize in advance if it’s personal. You don’t have to answer if it’s not comfortable.”

_ “I’m sure he wouldn’t. Right Crappykawa?”  _ Iwaizumi said, his voice stern, carrying the tone of a threat if Oikawa didn’t play nice. 

“ _ Fi-” _

“How did you know you were gay?” He blurted out, turning as red as a strawberry. 

For a minute both of them stared mouth agape, surprise on their face. They had been sure it would be about volleyball, about a serve or a toss or something of the sort. Neither of them even entertained the idea that Kageyama was sexually attracted to anything but volleyball. 

Iwaizumi recovered first. He wanted to give poor Oikawa some time to gather all his brain cells. He didn’t want to be unhelpful to the younger man. 

_ “Is there a man you’re attracted to Kageyama?”  _ He asked and that led him down a spiral. Was he? He was in a sport with plenty of attractive men. 

“When you’re attracted to someone, do you feel a flip, like your heart flops? I apologize if that doesn’t make sense.”

Oikawa looked up at his boyfriend and all the light-hearted malice left his voice.

_ “That’s called affection, Tobio,”  _ He said, looking up at his boyfriend who rolled his eyes with nothing but fondness in them.

_ Affection.  _ That word wasn’t leaving him anytime soon. 

_“Well, who is it? Is it someone we know, Tobio-chan? Well even if I don’t, I’ll find out. And when you get together, don’t be shy in thanking me. I don’t mind taking credit for bringing your love life into existence_.” Oikawa said, the cockiness back on his face as Iwaizumi slapped the back of his head.

Kageyama was still dumbfounded. He could hear them talking, but all he could hear were his own thoughts.  _ Affection, love, like. Hinata.  _

Maybe, he was very specifically gay, only for Hinata. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is reading this! Let me know if you enjoyed this chapter and if you'd like to see more of Oikawa and Iwaizumi.


	6. Lessons in telling people you like them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama can't sleep and our operator isn't online. But surely he can find someone to bide time with. Even if it is 3 AM.

He was tossing and turning in bed but sleep still seemed like a distant stranger. It was a Wednesday and  _ he  _ wasn’t picking up. He had called, twice, then thrice, now quadruple times to no avail. After the funky dial tone, the voice on the other end had always been a stranger. He wanted human company right now but one look to his side was a reminder that the person he very specifically wanted was in Tokyo for a couple of days. He could text him, but Kageyama didn’t want to impose. He picked up his phone and his restlessness had him texting Suga. At 3 AM. 

———

_ “You know when I offered to take you out for curry buns, I didn’t imagine that it would be a crack of the dawn kind of a plan. But you know what? I’m glad you called. I always wanted one of you first years to start seeing me as a friend, hanging out with those third years is a big oof. It gets depressing. Especially Asahi. That man is morbid as hell. He swats a fly and looks glum the entire day. And don’t get me started on Daichi. We’re barely starting in life and in that man’s head we’re already 40. I think he has retirement planned.”  _ Suga complained, biting into his curry bun as they sat on the slightly sticky wooden chairs in a sleepy little late-night cafe. 

Kageyama scratched the back of his head, “I’m sorry for disturbing you so late. I just couldn’t sleep.” He said

_ “Stop. Worrying. I’m glad you did. I’m nothing if not spontaneous.”  _ He laughed.

Kageyama found comfort in Suga’s assurance before biting into his own bun. They both looked out, seeing their own reflections in the glass staring back at them when Suga started speaking again.

“ _ Hinata is in Tokyo, then?”  _

Kageyama nodded. 

_ “You two are adorable, you know.” _

That strawberry blush found its way back on his face. No words were spoken and after several pauses, Suga spoke again.

_ “I can promise you it’s mutual. He feels it too.” _

His head shot up, staring at Suga who broke into one of his signature smiles that felt like warm hugs without all the touching. 

_ “Don’t be that surprised. If somebody can look at a grumpy face, the way Hinata does, there has to be something there! And for all your quips, don’t think I have missed all those secret creepy smile attempts.” _

“I never thought anyone noticed.”

_ “Since all the attention I got as a setter has been stolen by you, I have to bide my time guessing who has feelings for whom.”  _

Kageyama smiled at his teasing tone. Maybe Suga wasn’t all that new. He didn’t feel that fear of newness he usually felt with other people.

“Suga-sa-I mean, Suga, are you and-”

“ _ Are Daichi and I dating? Yes. God, yes. Now that one, that one was hard to figure out. He’s so kind to everybody, it took me a while to see that maybe a lot of his extra kindness was just allotted to me. It took ages for him to get the signal too. And when I say ages, I mean it.” _

“How did you two…..?” He lingered on the question in his mind, never really completing it but he didn’t have to. 

_ “Surprisingly for both of us, he made the first move. I was studying in the library. Left to go to the bathroom and before I did, asked him to watch over my stuff. When I came back I saw an index card that said ‘I like you, go out with me?’ At first I couldn’t figure out who it was. I didn’t want to get my hopes up by thinking it was Daichi and not some stupid prank. I didn’t think he would be so direct. So I walked around the library and I found him in the G-I section, banging his head against some book, actually, I think the book was Geography for Dummies,”  _ His face softened even more, if that was possible. And he looked absolutely dreamy. Kageyama imagined that it wouldn’t be hard to like Suga.

He hid his smile in his cup of water but it wasn’t hidden from Suga.

_ “And the rest is history. Daichi made me realize that you should tell people when you like them instead of this awkwardly choreographed dance of stolen glances and unsaid words _ .”

Kageyama was quiet.  _ You should tell people when you like them. _ A few moments passed, and then Kageyama looked up.

“I like you Suga.”

Suga laughed, “ _ Fiiine, I guess I’ll pay the extra money for strawberry milk. But just because I love being liked” _ He winked and Kageyama laughed. 

He had a new mission.  _ Tell people when you like them _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know how y'all liked this! Thank you for reading!


	7. Coming out my cage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A break from the regularly scheduled sad boy hours that Kageyama usually plunges himself in.  
> Also, gross domesticity between Iwaizumi and Oikawa

_ “You’re telling me that after aaall those promises, after the whole, ‘Babe I’m so sick, I promise I’ll fold the laundry next time.’, you’re not actually gonna do it. You know I hate, HAAATE folding laundry. On top of that, I have to fold all your disgusting and weirdly shaped underwear. Why? Why?”  _

Kageyama had clearly come at the wrong time, judging by Iwaizumi screeches from the other side of the door. He had been asked to come at 9:30 and it was only 9:25 and he of all people knew the importance of time. Especially now, when Monday couldn’t come any faster. Kageyama never thought a day would come where he would be willing to give away the peace of his personal space, in favor of spending time with someone. But in his defence, those who had been willing to invade that space had been far and few between.

Now? Now things were a little different. Even if it took time to admit it to himself, he absolutely wanted to see Hinata, wanted to talk to him, he wanted to show him the park, way down south with the volleyball net in a huge sandbox. Hinata would love that. In fact, why did he  _ skip  _ school and go all the way to  _ Tokyo _ for this friend. Who the hell was that guy anyway? Kageyama looked at his phone, hoping for a text but it was just Asahi sending his daily dog picture to the group chat, followed by Suga asking Daichi for a puppy, who then had to explain that their student apartment didn’t allow pets. So, even though it might not have been Hinata, he was glad that it wasn’t empty. He thought Hinata’s absence would mean the return of that insecure pang, but he had managed just fine. Someone had even wanted him around enough to send an invitation. 

The door opened while he was swimming in this feeling of accomplishment that even volleyball hadn’t given him.

_ “Kageyama, sorry to keep you waiting.”  _

_ “We both were sleeping. And there was loud music playing” _

_ “Why the fuck would loud music be playing if we’re sleeping, Shittykawa?” _

_ “Why would you-in front of Tobio-Chan, Iwa!” _

“It’s completely fine. I’m flattered you invited me. I didn’t-um-I didn’t think you’d really want me around.”

_ “Tobio-chan, your love life is the grace that is saving me from folding laundry, so I’d want you here a million times over.” _

Kageyama smiled a tight smile. To be honest, he wanted to be back in his room, talking to Hinata preferably; however, he let the universe have this one, it had been really kind to him as of late. And he really couldn’t say no to somebody actually wanting to ‘hang out’ with him. 

_ “I’m sorry for all the clothes. We were busy. I mean I was busy. I wanted to cook for you, so I made some curry. Oikawa is not well, so he won’t have any, Right babe?”  _ Iwaizumi said with a scary smile on his face.

_ “Ignore him, Tobio-chan. He’s a bit of a grump. Anyway, after you left that day, I was just beside myself. I couldn’t let my junior navigate the harsh waters of love. And when I heard that your little crush had left you for the big city, I simply couldn’t let Tobio-chan suffer alone? I wouldn’t have it! Now, I may have been cuffed, as the kids say, for a while but I had all the girls and boys lining up after me back in the day, auctions were held for locks of my hair-”  _ Oikawa waxed poetic about his popularity before Iwaizumi butted in

_ “Please ignore him, Kageyama. He can be quite…..irksome. You can follow me into the room. He is right though, I didn’t want you to be just confused after that day and you left in such a hurry. And then you mentioned you had no plans so I thought I’d invite you over.”  _

“I um-I’m flattered. I didn’t think I’d come back here. But thank you.”

Iwaizumi liked Kageyama. He was sharp, logical, and focused. And right now, he seemed absolutely adorable, his ears turning pink. He never thought about his juniors in school but he was glad that someone in that hell hole had reached out to him.    
_ “Did you talk to him yet? Maybe a text or something of that sort” _

Kageyama shook his head as Iwaizumi folded clothes, Oikaway still sulking outside.

_ “You don’t need to tell Oikawa anything you don’t want to. Here he comes” _

_ “Okaaay, right, enough. Iwa-chan, drop the laundry, we will deal with it tomorrow, we’re going to go out, pour a shot and make sure we have fun.” _ His tone held an authority that he couldn’t command and Kageyama looked to Iwaizumi’s face, asking for further instructions.

_ “Get out of my way so I can keep the laundry back in its place.” _

_ “No, Tobio, do. not. move.” _

_ “Move, Kageyama.” _

_ “Make a move and I will never teach you my serve.” _ _  
_ _ “I know the exact movements behind that serve. I will teach AND practice it with you.” _

_ “So you don’t want to learn my techniques, miine, you don’t want a piece of Oikawa’s Tooru’s setter brain.” _

_ “Kageyama, this is practically an offer, not having to look into that brain is a boon, move.” _

Why did he come here? Why? Maybe this is why people said those things about how sometimes you’re better off alone. He looked at the two of them before taking a step back and sitting down on the bed. 

If they were alone, they’d probably kiss right now but they had an impressionable young man right there. 

_ “Have you ever drank Kageyama?”  _ Iwaizumi asked, after several moments of intense staring passed.

“Drank as in…..”   
_ “Alcohol. He means alcohol.” _

———

Kageyama had always wondered what kind of a drunk person he would be. He already felt pathetic, he wasn’t about to engage in solitary, solemn drinking. He didn’t particularly see the appeal of slowed judgment and bad decisions, but right now, on his fifth shot, he suddenly started seeing the intrigue.

“You know, all that affection aside, he’s actually really cute. Like proper cute and-he looks so- so- soo- so  _ soft _ when he is sleeping. It feels nice.” He smiled, burping a little as Oikawa slapped his back.

_ “Oikawa used to be such an ugly baby. Your mom sent me pictures. I guess the theory’s right, ugly baby, cute adult.” _

“Do you think Hinata was an ugly baby? My mom said that I had a giant bobblehead when I was young. I think that’s why I didn’t become a spiker. I thought my head would be too heavy to lift. Does that make sense? Anyway, Hinata has huge eyes, like huge, so big and real nice too.”

  
  


_ “Are we sure we’re talking about eyes?”  _ Iwaizumi mused as Oikawa shushed him.

_ “It must feel nice. First love and all that stuff. He asked me out in the worst way possible. Called me Crappykawa too, so rude. But he’s so cute so I said yes, Iwa’s also a big softie, even if he looks the opposite.”  _

Oikawa rambled, laying his head in Iwaizumi’s lap, Kageyama sitting at the foot of the couch. 

“Can I-can I have one more shot?”   
_ “You are adorable Tobio,” _ Iwaizume said, picking up the bottle and hastily pouring a shot for Kageyama. He took the shot, his vision blurry.

_ “Call him! I say you call him and do it right now! Once and for all, pull that band-aid” _

_ “You know whaaaat, Crappykawa may be onto something here.”  _ Iwaizumi said.

“No”   
_ ‘YESS” _

“No”

_ “Fuck Yes”  _ Iwaizumi shouted grabbing Kageyama’s phone, letting Oikawa’s head plop down on the couch as Kageyama held it out of reach.

“I hate this, ugh, I feel gross. And I am not giving you my phone even if you t-t-t-tackle me” 

_ “Okay, I have an idea, we’ll do a competition, who can finish twelve shots the fastest. If it’s Shittykawa, I get full reign of your phone. And if you do, you can keep your dignity intact.” _

  
  


He won. But really at what cost. His throat felt like he had swallowed fire, his eyes were sweating. They had never sweated even in the most intense of matches. He didn’t know they had the ability to do so.

He should have never participated in Iwaizumi’s stupid competition. But he shouldn’t have done a lot of things tonight. He shouldn’t have signed his name all over Oikawa’s face with a permanent marker or let Oikawa write his name all across his chest, he shouldn’t have used soy sauce as a chaser for the shots and he definitely shouldn’t have ripped his t-shirt with his fingernails to prove how strong and well-cared-for they were. 

Now he was here, face in the Tooru-Iwaizumi toilet bowl. He looked up, eyes red with Iwaizumi’s hand rubbing his back.  _ “I guess, welcome to adulthood Tobio-chan”  _ Oikawa said. 

He pulled his face back up from the toilet bowl, leaning against their bathtub. He fished his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it, “Can you call Suga-san, he’s saved as Sugawara-san in my phone. And don’t even dare stop at the names under H.”

Kageyama had a lot of pride, but all of that had gone down the drain, besides he knew when to ask for help.

Still delirious and sick, he was lugged out the door. The last words he heard before Daichi yanked him into the hallway after Suga said his goodbyes and thank yous were, “ _ Wasn’t Suga the name of the guy who we hit up to be a third on Grindr?” _

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to switch things up a little bit and develop Kageyama a little more, or at least try to.  
> Let me know if y'all liked this chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic. I'm real nervous, for some reason. So if any of y'all like it or would like to read more, please let me know!  
> If any of y'all also want to help me edit this, drop down your e-mail!


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